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Outsourced
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Outsourced Times have been hard since the peoprietor up and moved to Paris after selling his recipe for bath tub gin to a major distillery for a fat pile of cash and The Seedy Bar on the Outskirts of Town had to shut down. Especially hard for me since I lost my job as barback and occasional bareback on Rodeo Night. Always dreaded those nights and called out sick, but Frank would always go upstairs and find me in my room under the bed and give me his Famous Cowboy Up and are you a Man or do you Want to be Just Another Rat speech and shake his trusty mop at me for emphasis. Always worked like a charm. Man! He sure could play me like a violin, but it was cool because I always knew that behind that gruff and bluff exterior beat a heart of gold. I wont tell you where they had to put the quarters or how hard it was to try an throw some stringy redneck off you back, especially with Wagner's Ring Cycle playing in the background unless it happened to be that Ride of the Valkyries Passage. Truly some beautiful moments. I thought I'd finally firmly got my feet on easy street with my Seedy Blog on the Outskirts of the Net. But the participles and infinitives were always on backorder. I wasn't making anything off the free nouns. The verbs demands were too bold for mediation. And the electric bills for the shocking adjectives were bleeding me dry. Like a fool I'd jumped in while ths whole E-commerce thingie was flopping worse than the Annual Nudist Three-legged Race. So yeah. That's my story. That's how I wound up here with a Seedy Vegetable Stand on the Outskirts of Town. S'okay. I still got my digity. And a bad back. And I'm gonna make the most of it. Yannow, it's funny what you can learn about a person from their choice of produce. Might take me one of those online psychology courses some day and write a book. Here are a few things I have learned: Onion - you are either hot or sweet with many layers Apple - sweet or tart , good to know Tomatoes - popular with a dangerous secret Potato - definitely got appeal Strawberries - always popular Grapes - possible whiner Cucumbers - don't ask me why they are always greasy How should I know? Peppers - sweet or hot but sometimes both Peach - oh, come on Celery - clearly a stalker Rutabaga - can get real nasty if not handled properly Melons - how you doin? Cherimoya - very, very rewarding for the truly adventurous Bananas - very choosy Lemons and Limes - usually a little tart, but good for ya Pomegranate - lots of work, must look good in red Pear - nice Cherry - uhm hmmm, that's one pie that needs to be made Iceberg lettuce - must be more than that Eggplant - so versatile and misunderstood Grapefruit - very focused on personal goals Fresh Coconut - sure are serious about something Parsley - what's the difference between pussy and parsley? Nobody eats parsley. It's all fresh, mostly fresh. Don't mind that bug. No extra charge. Just pick what you like, and I'll bag it up. Yeah. It all costs the same. If this coffee keeps kicking in, I might have to move this gig to the parking lot of the 7 - 11 by the flophouse on the southside. Most people are other people... FUCKING CHARACTER LIMIT!!! ~Oscar Wilde |
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Coffee Beans - been up so long it looks like down ah, Spinner... There ain't no dignity in sportin' eyelids peeled open like a damned butterflied shrimp. Take a freakin' nap! It'll all look so much different when you come to. Honest.  Solar...
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Solar, at my age it aint those lovely beans that keep me up all night. It's the liquid. Feel free to set up your Cowboy Coffee Stand right here. Wish I'd thought of that. Here's a few empty, wooden crates and there's a nice little, gravelly patch right here where you can get set up. Since we're neighbors, here's an apple on me. It's all good. Just a little, mental construct based on humor as usual. Preciate your patronage as always. Most people are other people... FUCKING CHARACTER LIMIT!!! ~Oscar Wilde
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Thanks, bud... for the store-front offer; and that gravel, there, oughta help with any spillage--coffee or other. Speakin' of "produce" & spillage: saw palmetto - two capsules a day... with bean-juice Solar... BTW: wouldn't you prefer Patron-age? 
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Sage advice, Solar. Can I pay for the coffee with some of these quarters? It's all I got. Most people are other people... FUCKING CHARACTER LIMIT!!! ~Oscar Wilde
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Menteluminosa - kilo? Funny story about kilos: we were at our favorite restaurant talking to the chef, he's French, and he asked us how much sugar we used in a year. I said I didn't know but guessed about 30 pounds. He told us he just got in a big shipment of sugar and asked if we would like a bag no charge. We asked how big the bag was and he said 50 kilos and asked if we wanted white or raw. I'm thinking 2.5 cm per inch, a litre is a little less than a quart, a few kilometers per mile. So sure we'll take a bag of raw sugar. He put it in the trunk. We live on the third floor and two and a half flights up I fugured out that 50 kilos is about 110 pounds and about 30 one gallon ziplock freezer bags of sugar. Stupid American, nes pa? If you don't look good in red now, you will after you eat those pomegranates. A little messy, but fun and yummy. I'll throw in a cherimoya for ya. Stella - Parsnips? Should have known you'd be a special order gal. I'll start carrying them if it keeps you coming back. I have a cool recipe for parsnip pie with maple syrup. Definitely a unique commodity. I'll toss in an onion and you can roast them together for a nice side dish with some of this fresh thyme. Most people are other people... FUCKING CHARACTER LIMIT!!! ~Oscar Wilde
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Spinny? Veggies? Are you trying to craft some slick seedy pun? Just as long as you don't go fishmonger by the wharf. Cuz those things don't scale well.
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Sir Harry - Spinach for you, sir? I yam what I yam. I'll leave all things aquatic to the experts, such as yourself. Welcome back! I'm well chuffed to see you here. Most people are other people... FUCKING CHARACTER LIMIT!!! ~Oscar Wilde
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I'll have to pay attention in the vegetable aisle. What does a horny woman with low standards buy??
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Lusty Taurus, Hey, thanks for stopping by. Always nice to see a familiar face here. Welllllll, if they seem to take a long time picking out a cucumber, hold it a bit too long while kinda rubbing the grease on it and seem a bit reluctant to drop it into the buggy, you might want to offer to help them bag it up. Say something about needing three hands to get these darned bags open and so forth. If she goes for a butternut squash, just back away slowly and don't make eye contact. Happy shopping, my friend! Most people are other people... FUCKING CHARACTER LIMIT!!! ~Oscar Wilde
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