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Absolutely nothing
Posted:Dec 11, 2018 6:40 pm
Last Updated:Dec 11, 2018 7:35 pm
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People often ask me "Hey 40 , if Thanos used the reality gem to put me in a Hollywood war movie how would I survive ?"

And I tell them -

Do not mention your family , girlfriend or hope for the future .

Do not keep a treasured picture of them .

If you insist on keeping a picture of them , never show it to your buddies. Never show it to your commanding officer . In fact , never show it to anyone . Indeed ,do not even get it out and look wistfully at it .

If you have a dark and troubled past , keep it secret for as long as possible , especially if the writers are planning on a prequel . No director ever killed off the mysterious character before his/her time .

Do not go crazy . Take every precaution to avoid going crazy , such as regular therapy , calming thoughts and immediately reporting your condition to your superiors if you seem to be becoming unbalanced .

Do not lose your cool in the presence of the enemy . There are no more immediately fatal lines than "YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME ?!?" or "I gotta get outta here , man !"

Do not , under any circumstances , fall in love or get married while on leave . A foreign mistress in a nearby village is acceptable if you are not a virgin .

If you are a virgin , do not lose your virginity to a total stranger while on leave . The most dangerous time for a soldier is few days after losing virginity .

Do not , under any circumstances , spend an extended episode contemplating with increasing resolve whether to go back to the front .

Small but serious injuries are the most dangerous . If you get sent to the hospital , do not wistfully endure your minor internal injuries and reassure your seriously injured bunkmate that you he gets better before you leave .

Do not be a grizzled , opinionated veteran unless it is part of a youthful character arc . The cool old guy always dies in the final act .

Do not be the friend or relative of a major character .

Be either the most jaded (but NOT cruel) or the most naive (but NOT idealistic) member of the group , and make sure to "learn" about either the importance of teamwork or the true horror of war by the end .

Do not be the poet or the really smart guy.

Eait to be conscripted , or , if you absolutely must enlist voluntarily , be suitably disillusioned by the time the film actually starts . In any case do NOT be puckishly enthusiastic about putting your life on the line for your country .

Do not be the youngest member of your squadron , platoon or unit . If you are get a mentor figure as soon as possible .

Make sure that said mentor is not someone you like or respect .

Do not be the oldest member of your squad , platoon or unit . If you are do not become a mentor figure to any new recruit .

While it helps to be attractive , do your best to not become too beautiful to live . Unless you're a woman , in which case you MUST to be the more conventionally attractive of the two female characters .

Whatever your social background , do not have any issues about it , or rise to any goading by your fellow soldiers on the subject .

Do not accept a nickname of any kind , unless you a fighter pilot , and only then if it is something cool and manly and not the name of a less-than-impressive animal , cartoon character or a girl's name .

Only write letters if they can also serve as voice over narration .

Under NO circumstances , write a letter r and put it in your top left shirt pocket .

Do not loot anything off of a slain enemy .

Do not be in any landing craft , drop ship , or transport helicopter that's in formation with the main characters' own ship .

Make sure that you don't have something to prove .

Avoid heartwarming and touching cultural exchange with an enemy on the other side unless he is about to die .

If your weapon jams in the middle of a battle , do not stop , stand still , and look at said weapon like you've never seen it jam before .

If taken prisoner , do not will not use sharp wit and sarcastic sense of humor on your interrogators , under no circumstances quote the Geneva Convention

If assigned to investigate a crime that has already taken place with evidence that is really shady and the command has made it clear that they just want the thing to go away , go through the motions and make it go away .

If a cease-fire is announced and not everyone believes it , do not light a lighter or strike a match to prove it .

Do not swear , make sexual or scatological references , use racially insensitive terms , drink alcohol , or make any reference to drug use .

If someone offers you a good luck charm , refuse it. Likewise for a religious medallion.

However , if the film is at least half over , accept said item from a dying comrade , if his dying wish is to "make sure this gets to my wife" or similar. But only if you've already survived several run-ins with the enemy .

Be jovial , eager for a fight , and as large and muscular as possible , which should guarantee you either the protagonist or a sufficiently tertiary character that your death would have no dramatic resonance .
3 Comments
Fantastic beasts and where to shoot them
Posted:Dec 10, 2018 6:33 pm
Last Updated:Dec 11, 2018 6:06 pm
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Ever crossed the road and looked the wrong way ? And hey presto , a car's nearly on you , so what do you do ? You so something very silly . You freeze . And your life doesn't flash before your eyes , 'cause you're too fucking scared to think – you just freeze , and pull a stupid face .

A common blog post around these parts is the "all my blog friends are gone , there's no good blogs anymore" post which as with any of the trope posts I roll my eyes at . But as is standard for a hypocrite like myself starting to feel that way a little bit . I value you remaining blog friends and whether you stay or go I wish you well .

The other day I was trying to feel out how pumped my buddy Arschgrobbler is about Godzilla King of Monsters and she mentioned that my level of "super-hyped" knocked her level up a notch because there's not much that I get excited about .

Which is true , but there is one thing that I do get really excited about - learning about a new cryptid . Every time I travel to a new place I asked about the local cryptids and people usually say "What the hell are you talking about ?"

Such as a while back while touring the Mississippi River I learned about the heretofore unknown (to me) horsigator which was a half-horse half-alligator creature that roamed the rivers and byways of North America back in the day . Which I was super excited to learn about even though it contains two of my cryptid pet peeves - uninspired name and hybrid creature . There's too many cryptids that are just X animal + Y animal , get imaginative people .

Unfortunately there was no description of what it looked like beyond half horse and half gator so we are left to speculate . Front half gator and back half horse wouldn't work at all . Front-horse and back-gator would kind of make sense , you have the tail for swimming and then you can kind of lumber around on land to eat grass with your horse-head . But probably what makes the most sense for a river creature is a horse frame with gator tail and legs . The most terrifying possibility is a gator frame with horse legs running around eating everyone - but that would be a land animal .

And then just recently I found out about several more - the cactus cat (uninspired name) which is a cat with porcupine like quills that gets drunk on home-made tequila , the Hidebehind (dumb name but I like it) which is a bipedal dog-creature that is super fast and hides behind trees while it stalks you . As you all know I dislike dogs but I like the looks of a dog-person . And the Agropelter which is an arboreal creature with a slender, wirey body , the villainous face of an ape , and arms like muscular whiplashes , with which it can off dead branches and hurl them through the air like shells from a six inch gun . One time an Agropelter kidnapped a pioneer surveyor and fed him raw fish until he escaped - but why ? What did it want ?

Iowa is pretty lame when it comes to cryptids - there's the Okoboji River monster which has a terrible name and is just a re-tread of Nessie and Ogopogo and the like (and stole my meatball sub one time) and the Van Meter visitor which doesn't count because that is clearly an extraterrestrial not a cryptid . Get it together people .

My favorite is the chupacabra of course ( a traditionalist) but another one of my faves is the Hodag . Any Wisconsinites out there ? Have you had any close encounters with the terrible Hodag ?

I was also reading about American tall tales . At first I thought it was weird that Santa Claus was listed as an American mythological figure but I suppose it makes sense . The Santa we worship today was created my Coca-Cola Bottling Co in the 30's as the mascot of capitalism - which is a far cry from his Greek/British/Dutch origins .

"He knows if you've been bad or good so be good for goodness sake"

That lyric has always bothered me because they're suggesting the opposite of being good for the sake of goodness , they're saying be good because Santa is watching and you want the fat loot . If you were good for the sake of goodness it wouldn't matter if he was watching .

Do you ever wonder how rich those elf on the shelf people are ? I do .

One supposed US folkloric figure I had never heard of is Ola Värmlänning - a drunken prankster whose legendary exploits were once very popular in Minnesota . I could find NO stories about even one of these supposed legendary exploits . What were they ? timey pranks are often hilariously insane to me - like a "prank" would be cleaning everyone's chimneys so they'd wake up and be like "why is the chimney clean ?!" and lose their GD minds . Stupid timey people . They don't do good pranks like we do now where we make a gay dude think he got a girl pregnant back before he went totes gay .

Then there's Brother Jonathan - the personification of New England and said to be an allegory of capitalism . How can a person be an allegory ? Maybe that's what makes him so mythical .

Did you know that Paul Bunyon had a brother named Cordwood Pete who was five feet high ? He was so small because Paul ate all the flapjacks every morning - which is a real dick move . Instead of Babe the blue ox he had a little donkey named Tammerack . When Dracula tried to come to the US in 1796 it was Cordwood Pete who chased him off . So next time you tie one on do so in honor of little Cordwood Pete .

Then there's Feathertop the Scarecrow who was brought to life by a witch to seduce mayor's daughter as part of some kind of ponzi scheme . As I've discussed RE the scarecrow from Wizard of Oz this Feathertop fellow must have been quite the smooth talker to get a lady interested in his straw-dick . Apparently once he realized what was going to happen to his lady and her mayor-father he killed himself to spare them and because he decided humans are gross .

And then of course we have Nicolas Cage who is just a tall tale - no one would act like that in real life . Several different actors have played the part of "Nick Cage" over the .
3 Comments
To sleep , perchance to dream
Posted:Dec 7, 2018 6:42 pm
Last Updated:Dec 11, 2018 6:02 pm
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So this dude comes up to me and he goes "How's it going 40 , you living the dream ?" which for the record is one of my most hated "officisms" . So I says to him I says " definitely living someone's dream" . He was so taken aback by this that I started to feel weird about saying it . He stared at me for a good 15 seconds . Was he realizing for the first time that our humdrum workaday lives are something that millions , if not billions , of people around the world aspire to ?

If you believe in affirmations or something like that keep that in mind - as bad as things are for you there's probably a lot of people that would kill to be in your shoes .

I've been listening to the Crystal Method a lot lately . And theories on that ? I mean what is this '97 ?

When Nelson Mandela met Spice Girls in 1997 he described it as "One of the greatest moments of my life". So if you like the opposite of affirmations keep that in mind .

That was also the year that Eddie Murphy got pulled over with a transsexual hooker in his car - he was just giving her a ride of course . It's amazing how many celebrities give rides to transsexual hookers . It's heartwarming really .

I was chatting with my buddy Applejacks the other day and something she said made me dust off the computer and wait 17 minutes for Windows 95 to load to look over some of the unpublished novels I wrote back in the day .

They're all terrible (obvs) but the best one of the bunch is one that's about an invasion from space . The twist is that the "invaders" are actually humans that are the decedents of all those alien abductees over the who've been trained to invade earth for the purposes of gambling . In the end the human-humans and the invader-humans make peace once the invader humans are convinced that their entire culture is made-up alien bullshit . I had forgotten this but I even started writing a sequel about how the new people were adjusting to live on earth - spoiler , not well .

One of the worst is about a future - like 2010 ! - where pharmaceuticals are used to everything . People can't feel or do anything without taking their medicine is the theory . But a dude comes home and finds another dude plowing his wife and this is all happening without the use of drugs . Scandal ! The first dude requests the drugs he needs to feel angry about this and the drugs he needs to commit a crime of passion and murder them but his request is denied . Then it turns into a buddy-action film where the guy who plowed his wife tries to help him get said drugs . The wife has no dialog and is barely in it besides a description of her nude body written with all the subtly of a 20 year "man" who's never seen a naked lady IRL .

One thing I noticed is that in most of my writing unless the main character is a woman there's usually hardly any female characters . Draw what conclusion you will from that . Part of it , hopefully , was that I realized I couldn't write women for shit .

THE worst is about prehistoric folks . I never read Clan of the Cave Bear but I read some other rip-off of it and I thought it would be cool to write a novel about cavemen . Plot ? I'll figure that out as I go along . I never did . It's 300+ pages of nothing much happening . Look upon my works ye mighty .

40 didn't you write about wrestling ?

Oh course I did , glad you asked !

One of them played it as if wrestling was real . A dude who's an Office Space style cubical monkey ragequits his job and ends up at a wrestling show , which he loved as a kid but hasn't watched for . For reasons he can't quite explain he jumps the rail and gets in the ring where he gets the shit kicked out of him by the wrestlers . He almost dies and decides he likes it . With no training he starts wrestling and mostly getting wailed on . And then he starts kidnapping women and brainwashing them . In the end he comes world champion and then is killed by police in a stand-off at his cult compound .

Another is in the "real" world of fake wrestling . It's about a young woman trying to make it in the "biz" and earn respect . She's had a horrible upbringing of poverty and abuse . Her father , who she never knew , is a The Wrestler style washed up dude still making the rounds . When she meets him for the first time he pulls his sleazy moves on her since he doesn't know she's his daughter . After the success of The Wrestler I dusted this one off and did a little work on it with a tiny notion of maybe sending it somewhere but I killed that hope pretty quickly .

Then there was the one about the Peruvian streetfighter who comes to America and falls under the spell of a half Egyptian-half Native American conwoman who drags him into the seedy world of pro wrestling . Also he might be a Nazca god in human form .

Then there was the one about a lady wrestling referee who also run a drug ring and a prostitution ring and took in a foster daughter .

Is there anyone else in the world who's written 4 unpublished wrestling novels ? I hope not , for the world's sake . The only thing worse would be someone who's written 4 PUBLISHED wrestling novels .

The WWE actually had a novel published once and it was awesomely terrible .

If I have one sincere and fervent wish it's to know what would be a good job for me - but I already know , being the official author for the WWE book collection .

If only wrestling fans knew how to read .
4 Comments
Javanese fighting parrots for sale
Posted:Dec 5, 2018 6:20 pm
Last Updated:Dec 10, 2018 5:48 pm
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I've been known to scoff derisively at people with superstitions since they seem to be saying that magic is real but I think I am developing one of my own . Whenever I buy pears if I eat one the same day I buy them they're good but if I don't they're soft and gross .

There's a dude at work who wears the same thing everyday - cargo shorts and a Iowa State hoodie . Which means of course that he has to be freezing his ass off now and sweating his balls off in summer . This assless ballless fellow got me to wondering - there are a few people out there that do this , wear the same thing every day (my buddy Steve Carrel Jr is one of them - black slacks and a grey t-shir with no logo every day rain or shine , it was NOT well appreciated by Noir Loco's wife at their wedding) and I will pass over the obvious question of "why ?" and instead move on to to the question of once you've decided you're the kind of person who's going to wear the same outfit every day how do you decide what that outfit is ?

I think we can all agree that generally speaking cargo shorts and a hoodie is a terrible outfit , but that's what he decided to go with forever and ever amen . But how ? Like did he try out other looks before settling on that or did he nail it out of the park first time up to bat ?

When we were kids my cousin used to wear the same purple shirt with a star on it every day and his stomach was purple the bruises because kids would punch him in the star . He refused to stop wearing it though .

That's some kind of metaphor for sure .

There's an article on Forbes about 5 reasons why you SHOULD wear the same thing every day .

The first one is that it reduces "decision fatigue" which is insane because either you don't spend a lot of time on choosing what to wear (like me) or you do spend a lot of time in which case you really care about it so you're not going to stop .

The second one is about establishing a "look" which is too close to saying "brand" if you ask me . Any time someone talks about their personal brand I want to throw hot cider on their tits .

The third one is about reducing the amount of shit you have - eh , I guess .

The fourth one is that you'll avoid trendiness - meh .

The fifth one is that you'll have SO much more time because you don't need to do as much laundry . Again this is essentially insane . I mean if you don't have washing machine maybe it makes sense . Yes , if you're washing your clothes by beating them against a rock down by the river you probably should economize your wardrobe a little . But then again if you're a river rock person you probably have all the time in the world .



Remember the episode of Friends where everyone was pumped because Ross (uggo) and Rachel (gorgeous) FINALLY banged ? I do . They were having a picnic in the museum where he worked or some bullshit like that and while they were rolling around on the blanket playing grabass Rachael started to console him because she thought he had prematurely ejaculated and he assured her it was "just the juice box" and she thanked god .

A couple things . Are we given to believe that Rachel Greene - a confirmed slut - that that a paleontologist shot such a MASSIVE load of cum that she felt it through his pants AND through her dress ? And that somehow it flew around the side of them like JFK's magic bullet ?

Your average juice box is 6-7 ounces - if that much semen was flying out of people what kind of a world would we even be living in ?

Plus we all know women hate sex anyway so she should have been relieved if she thought he popped his cork before getting down to the fuckin' .

Speaking of loads I was chatting with my friend 64 Bit and she mentioned that right now there's a legal case going on in Iowa about prisoners and their access to porn . Part of it was that a female prison guard had sued for sexual harassment because she didn't like being forced to supervise while the prisoners were having whack-off time with their state-provided pornography .

I've considered this and I've decided that it's bullshit . Because guess what - NO ONE wants to have to stand by and watch prisoners jerk off . I don't think you can play the gender card there - I think that's part of the job . As a prison guard don't you have to do cavity searches ? Can a woman claim that's sexual harassment ? I don't think she should . That's the job . I don't want to check a dude's nutsack for a small packet of heroin so I don't work as a prison guard - I don't see how that's any different . Fair is fair .

Remember that episode of That 70's Show where the guys all go to the porno theater and Eric is all freaked out because the guy on the screen has "moves" ? I do .

My problem with this is that I've seen porn - there's really no "tricks" to pick up there . It's really the most basic kind of sex there is . Maybe two seconds of kissing , a lot of cock sucking and then just plain old pussy-hammering until the cows come home . What was Eric seeing that made him think he needed to pick up his game ? It makes no sense .

40 you're overanalyzing sitcoms again .

Shut up you .

Anymore though I can't really watch That 70's Show because that curly-haired kid turned out to be a big time (BANNED TOPIC) . You know it's bad when the dude being accused says "I was never convicted !" instead of "I didn't do it !"

I enjoy when a woman is vocal during sex but it occurred to me that evolutionary that's not a desirable trait . Back in the baboon days I bet most of the time when people got killed by a sabertoothed cat or a Miracinonyxit or whatnot it happened while they were banging - that has to been when you're at your most vulnerable .

So probably the people that survived and passed on their genes were the ones that were able to fuck the quietest . Stealth humping gene .
5 Comments
Ego Vici Mundum
Posted:Dec 3, 2018 6:41 pm
Last Updated:Dec 5, 2018 5:38 pm
544 Views

I watched an episode of the Religion of Sports the other day that was about Iceland making it to the world cup (the smallest nation to ever do so) . Well it was half about that and half about a dude that was going to be a big time football player and then started having anxiety attacks and his career was ruined . That part was kind of a downer . For as progressive a place and Iceland seems to be they don't seem to have any tolerance of mental health issues at all . Or at least that's the way this show made it seem - who knows if it's accurate ?

It occurred to me that I don't know much about Iceland so I did some research today (in that I read wikipedia) here's some factoids .

Iceland is the only NATO member with no standing army

The only native land mammal is the arctic fox . Polar bears sometimes walk over from Greenland but just to visit . Yeah , walk because sometimes Iceland and Greenland are ice-sheeted together . Iceland and Greenland don't seem that close but that's because always looking at a flat map - maps really screw up our perception of the world which is as round as a porn stars fake tit .

Human habitation has ruined 75% of the island so badly nothing will grow there .

They practice commercial whaling - I wonder why Japan is the only country that gets the heat for killing whales . The Icelanders must keep it on the QT .

Renewable sources (geothermal and hydropower)provide all of Iceland's electricity , they're rated one of the greenest countries in the world . Apparently they have the capacity for TONs of geothermal energy but they don't bother because so few people live there . Right now England and Iceland are working on some kind of magic technology that would allow Iceland to hook them up with all the geothermal power you'd ever want . I tried to read about it - an electrical engineer I aint .

According to DNA shenanigans most of the male settlers of Iceland were Norse and most of the female were Gaels - you know , because of slavery . They have every citizen's genealogy in a database .

During their economic meltdown they had the largest mass emigration away from Iceland ever . . . . . 5000 people .

Their official language is Icelandic which is more like Norse than any other language . On the show I watched everyone spoke English - I wonder if that's actually common there or if they sought out English speakers for the show .

They have universal healthcare and there are no private hospitals . They are among the world's healthiest people . Almost all women choose to terminate pregnancies of children with Down syndrome in Iceland . Which is a weird thing to report but I guess is a thing I never thought about before .

The amount of toxic materials in the atmosphere is far lower than in any other industrialized country measured .

Iceland is one of the top 3 countries for women to live in , is liberal with regard to LGBT rights issues and is one of the most secular countries in the world . Apparently these are common attributes of Nordic countries - what's different (allegedly) is that Iceland is all about individuality and self reliance whereas the other Nordic lands are more about community and togetherness .

Generally sounds like a pretty good place to live until you find out the average high temperate in summer is 55 Fahrenheit (which they don't use of course) . The food looks pretty grim too .

Back in olden times a bubonic plague killed a bunch of people - and I mean a BUNCH . I still thought it was pretty deadly but I was wrong , with treatment survival rate now is 90% . Anyway , it's not something you think about much but I started reading a book about it and there's a couple chapters about how of the many things that happened due to 30-60% of the population dying off one of them was there were a bunch of orphans running around all of a sudden .

For most of these orphans you had three choices - die of starvation , become a or become a thief .

We can discard the first option right off . At first it seems like thief is the way to go but then you realize that most thieves didn't last long . A good 30% of them were caught and hung on the first caper and very few of them made it more than a few . So you think is the way to go . But then you think , sure you get to live longer that way but what kind of quality of live is sucking cocks every day ? So then you swing back to thief - at least that way you have a chance to live a life without getting buggered all the time .

I guess what saying is that glad not a Genoese orphan in 1347 .

The other day I was talking to my pal Dat Snatch and I was saying my usual 40deuce straw nihilistic BS about how the US really isn't much different from a dictatorship because really the only choice we have is between two people chosen by an entrenched elite class that is enforced by military strength but after thinking about it a while I realized that Trump being elected is kind of a good thing . Because it shows that someone "they" don't want can slip in . Granted it was another rich person but still , it shows that things are as bad as I think - it IS possible for someone outside the system to make it through .

The question becomes then though , are there rich people that aren't horrible ? My instinct tells me that if you became rich it's probably because you did many horrible things and if you were born rich you're probably insane .

So let's say we're in some kind of fantasy world where there's no political parties and you can just pick from whichever rich person you want . Is there anyone that comes to mind as a rich person you really think is a good person and should be in charge of anything ?

Warren Buffet is the name some people have tossed out there but I don't know anything about him other than that he's good at making money through investment . Is that a reason to like him ? I mean I know it is in America because that's our whole thing , but I mean in the real sense .
5 Comments
A Mariah Carey Christmas
Posted:Dec 1, 2018 12:52 pm
Last Updated:Dec 2, 2018 2:50 pm
662 Views

A while back I mentioned that Guinness had declared Mariah Carey to be the Songbird Supreme . Y'all acted like that was no big deal . You brought this on yourselves .

The Songbird Supreme came out with an album called E=MC2 in 2008 . She claims it stands for (E) Emancipation (=) equals (MC) Mariah Carey to the second power . For purposes of this discussion it is assumed she meant to call it E=(MC) squared , since squaring just the Carey part would be silly . Without knowing the quantitative value of Mariah Carey (Q) we cannot know what her bringing herself to the second power accomplished . Did it increase her , decrease her , or have no change ? The question has now become a vital key to understanding the consequences of her changed Q-value and navigating past the resulting singularity .

The most likely hypothesized outcome is that there was no change in her value due to Q-values of 1 or 0 . 1 is thought to be a likely Q-value due to Mariah Carey being , based on all known evidence, a single person . The result Q=0 is supported by two arguments , one , put forward by the irrelevantist school is that assigning numeric values to human beings is irrelevant and/or stupid so 0 is the only coherent solution . The othe r, favored by the Mariah Sucks school , is that Q=0 on the grounds that she has 0 talent . While Q values of 1 and 0 are interchangeable here , they become distinct if Mariah Carey is able to perform some other function on herself such as multiplication or a logarithm where the distinction is non-trivial .

0<Q<1 is in many ways the least frightening Q-value as it leads to a contraction of Mariah Carey . Sadly , hypotheses for this outcome are sketchy at best . The best being that Mariah Carey's career , especially its amazing ability to rebound from such debacles as Glitter , imply she has made some sort of deal with a satanic power or possibly a member of the House of The 1000 Year Night for a portion of her soul , thus lowering her Q-value . Most who deal with this problem think this is patently ridiculous and it is most strongly opposed by those in the Dualist school .

Q>1 is the most frightening of all solutions as it implies that Mariah Carey has increased her Q-value and those unknown consequences (known as the Mariah Carey Singularity) are completely unpredictable . The main hypotheses for this solution are as follows .

The Talent school suggest that because Mariah Carey is so awesome , she must have a Q-value higher than those of regular people . This presupposes that people normally have a Q-value of 1 , but this is not necessary , as the next hypothesis shows . Supporters of this hypothesis in general fervently oppose the Mariah Sucks camp .

The Fanboy school has a similar argument but based on hotness instead of talent . Supporters of this hypothesis in general watch her music videos over and over , so don't have time to oppose anyone .

The Dualist school believe all people have Q-values greater than 1 due to the human soul having its own additional Q-value . Generally assumed to be equal to the personal Q-value leading to an aggregated Q-value (AQ-value) of 2 , though AQ-values of 3 or greater are not ruled out .

The Autoquantizing school believe that one's Q-value is directly related to what one thinks their own Q-value should be , thus those with high self- worth would have higher Q-values than those who don't . The Celebrity Corollary states that Mariah Carey , as a famous person would thus have a higher than average Q-value , which presumably would lead to the solution Q>1 .

The Fictionalist school believes that Q-values are made up values and thus Q=bi . What a transition from a complex number to a negative number means is best left up to other mathematicians , philosophers , or FanGirls and is not germane to this discussion .

The Economist train of thought sets the value of MC according to her net worth , around 250 million . If we square her value, we learn that emancipation's value is set at $262,500,000,000,000,000 . What exactly a square-dollar actually might be is still up to debate . While there is some validity behind this system , there are quirks to using it .

First of all , the system would mean that everyone's value was a constantly changing variable , and thus any attempts to put a value on Mariah are immediately discredited . Secondly , it defines that all people's values are defined by money , which means that Mariah Carey's value is significantly higher than anyone else's , which isn't necessarily true . Thirdly , if the value of emancipation is equal to Mariah Carey's net worth squared, adjusted for inflation , emancipating the slaves in 1863 would have cost around $3,628,700,543,322,582.00 at the time, and with the currency at the time being backed by the gold standard , adjusted for the price of gold of the time , it would have taken about 7,509,727,945,618 pounds of gold to emancipate the slaves . If we put stock in this view , one must wonder how Lincoln managed to pay to emancipate the slaves . Although it can also be argued that since Mariah Carey did not exist in 1863 she also did not have a net worth .

This would mean that emancipating the slaves should have been free . Since history books everywhere tell us this is not the case this leads to a few interpretations . Firstly , instead of an ever-changing variable , her net worth should be chosen from a specific point in time ; which point is not known . Secondly , there were other factors in play during the civil war , which would imply that E=MC^2 is a simplification of another more complex equation . Lastly , it could mean some kind of cover-up by the House of The 1000 Year Night . Of course , this all implies that for the purposes of dimensional analysis and natural units, $1=1 at both the present time and the Civil War era ; if this is different or changing , even the simple E=MC2 becomes much more complicated due to the effects of special relativity and time dilation .

The very small Negativist school hypothesizes that the Q-value must be negative , because pop culture has such a negative effect . That would suggest that squaring it would make it become positive , thus -1<Q<0 has the same net effect as 0<Q<1; Q<-1, 1<Q . The even smaller Elvis Costello school shares this belief , but for the reason that they believe everything to be "Less than Zero" (Costello 1977)

Finally the Strangist school believe that due to the weird behavior of Mariah Carey , the Q-value must be irrational . This school does not actually have a particular position on what it is per se , just that it must be irrational . Strangist Dualists tend to favor a value of root 2 or root 3 , Fictionalist Strangists tend to advocate ei , while Strangist Fanboys tend to advocate "THE ROOT OF A GOOGELPLEX +1" which is strange not because of the value itself , but both because Googol is misspelled and because the square root of a googolplex , plus one or no , is rationa l. "THE ROOT OF IN PARENTHESES A GOOGELPLEX +1" however , is perfectly irrational .

Of course, some people say simply that the amount of letters in her name (squared) is the answer .

It is possible that squaring only the C is correct , if she secretly married someone else named Carey and became Mariah Carey-Carey . If that is the case , then the rest of this article is meaningless mathematical gibberish . However, the equation becomes E=M(C2)? E=MC^2 in turn means Emancipation= Mariah Carey CArey CaRey CarEy CareY (that's just representative , since you can't properly write in acrostic here) . Unless it's like squaring a fraction, where the MC is to be taken as two parts of a whole . . . lets just burn the album covers and rewrite all the labels . It would be easier and less mentally torturous .
In Matlab syntax and probably in a whole bunch of other mathematical software , any string of letters and certain other characters counts as a single variable . If you type "mc^2" in Matlab , they will assume you mean exactly what Mariah Carey intended : mc to the second power . Unless you write it out properly , since MC is a shorthand notation of (M×C) .

This of course raises the question - is Mariah Carey equal to the multiplication of her two names ?

To solve this problem, the value of E (Emancipation) must first be analyzed . Wikipedia defines emancipation as "a term used to describe various efforts to obtain equality" Which means that emancipation is not so much a number , as it is an operation . There are two fairly simple operations which will always produce the same result regardless of the input value: x*0 and x^0 .
To begin, let's assume that E=(x*0), then E=0 and so either (MC)^2=0 or M(C^2)=0 1 2 3

Next , let's assume that E=(x^0), then E=1 , meaning either (MC)^2=1 or M(C^2)=1 . In the first case , that means that MC=1 . However , since E=1 for all x, that means that (Mariah Carey)=(Anything Else). This supports a very Egalitarian point of view .

The first case could also mean that MC=-1 . Would that make her a Nobody or just evil ? If the latter , this leads to the theory that a person can be either entirely good or entirely evil .

In the second case, that means that M(C^2)=1 , therefore , Mariah=1/(Carey^2) suggesting she is the inverse of her family raised to the second power . What exactly this means is open to interpretation .

Since emancipation was proclaimed true on Jan 1, 1863 , we can apply Boolean logic to get MC^2 == true != 0 . Thus, E == (MC)^2 != 0 . But since the entire world exists inside Instrumentality, we know that Mariah Carey is imaginary . So (MC)^2 < 0 , which means that we have negative emancipation . Is this bad or good ? Must Mariah Carey exist for us to have an egalitarian society ? Truly a disturbing philosophical question .

Previous investigations have limited themselves to the case of MC being a real or complex number : however empirical examinations suggest that MC (like most pop stars) is not nearly as real or complex as often thought , and may in fact be simple . There is abundant evidence that MC is a member of the Tits group .

A subgroup , some would say cult , of the Mariah Sucks school calling themselves "Physicists" refuse to accept that Mariah came up with the formula E=MC2 . Their hatred and loathing runs so deep that they have instigated a worldwide conspiracy to hide the truth , a conspiracy that reaches deep into our society and to the highest echelons of power .

The Physicists proclaim that E=MC2 was not the product of Mariah's deep intellectual insight but was instead developed by their leader , Albert Einstein , allegedly deceased . Their frankly preposterous view is that in the formula E represents energy, M represents mass and C represents the speed of light . Simple inspection of this view reveals how preposterous it is , only the truly mental would use C for the speed of light , as any sane person would obviously use L .

Unfortunately the Physicists have been phenomenally successful in spreading their lies . However , they have created a momentous problem for themselves . Since so many now believe in the Physicists' twisted version of the formula the Physicists are now required to prove their deluded rantings are true . As this would require demonstrating some form of Mass - Energy equivalency it is clearly impossible .

The Physicists' desire to prove their version of the formula to be true has resulted in them developing ever more monstrous machines in their drive to square the circle . The latest risks ripping holes in the very fabric of space and time and spewing forth the demons of hell onto the Franco-Swiss border . The Physicists try to gloss over these risks and claim that even if it did occur the French military is fully up to the job of handling the situation , which is absurd in its own right .

With each passing generation the Physicists' lies become more and more ingrained . A few of us continue to preserve the true meaning of The Formula and seek out the value of Q . Our numbers continue to dwindle . Some have said that only the discovery of Q is capable of demonstrating to the masses the wool the Physicists have pulled over their eyes and freeing them from the tyranny . They state that this is the true Emancipation that Mariah foresaw .

A radical new approach is to separate the "squared" from the equation . It's an album and therefore comes in a squared case . Then , realize that , counting the space between her first name and surname , there are twelve characters . There are twelve characters in emancipation , as well . Hence we have solved the cipher .

A little simple algebraic manipulation reveals the truth - namely that the root of emancipation is , in fact , Mariah Carey . Its current formulation is to rule out the possibility of negative Mariah Carey being the root of emancipation . This could mean that Abraham Lincoln is Mariah Carey .

This research is still ongoing and any who have additional new information about Mariah Carey or relating to general human Q-value knowledge are encouraged to post it here .
4 Comments
Remember when Livvie Lock Made a deal with the Avatar to get pregnant ?
Posted:Nov 30, 2018 5:03 pm
Last Updated:Dec 1, 2018 11:13 am
690 Views
I do

When I went to vote I couldn't find my registration card ( also not sure where me SS card is) so I went up the voting bosses and the lady there says to me she says "FIRST lets make sure you're in the right place" and when she confirmed that I was indeed in the right place she was flabbergasted . not sure she believed it .

I guess I really look like the kind of person who goes to the wrong voting place . That's my look .

The days were I maintained multiple blogs are long gone , you know because SO busy ALL the time , but once in a great while I do still post on a blog I have where I explain to wrestling people how the real world works .

I will now repost here because lazy and I KNOW there's at least two people that will read it .

Unless you’ve been living under a rock (other than the one we all live under - the moon) you know today is a very important day in America .

Yes , today is the 10-year anniversary of Christopher Daniels winning the X-Division Championship by defeating Chris Sabin and AJ Styles in a Three-Way Dance at an Impact Wrestling taping in Florida .

Somewhat less importantly but still noteworthy today is also the US Midterm Elections , which could drastically alter the political landscape for the global superpower/laughingstock known as the United States of America .

But what exactly are the midterm elections ? Let me smarten you up brother brother .

Think of the Mid-term Elections like a WWE Superstar Shake-Up : there will still be a Raw (red) team and a Smackdown (blue) team afterward , but only the US voters will decide which superstars main-event -per-views and which ham-and-eggers jerk the curtain at inconsequential house shows .

Why are the US Mid-term Elections happening now ?

WWE Hall of Famer Donald Trump has now been “president” for two , even though he has not shaved the head of a single political nemesis (and his closest ally , Vladimir Putin , isalready bald).

In the Mid-Term Elections , Americans will not vote for Trump - just as the majority of them did not do so two ago - but they will instead vote for members of the House of Representatives and the Senate , collectively known as Congress .

Think of the House of Representatives like the Raw roster and the Senate as the Smackdown roster and Congress as the entire locker room of WWE Superstars .

Currently,both houses are controlled by the Republican Party , which is basically the McMahon family except somehow with even more low-brow .

The Mid-term Elections could transfer some power to the Democratic Party - which , depending on your viewpoint , is either the inspirational Daniel Bryan of politics fighting against the odds to restore decency and equality , or the immoral Val Venis of politics , abusing women in the basement of a pizza restaurant .

What’s at stake ?

Remember when Donald Trump was put in charge of the WWE for a week and stock prices plummeted and chaos ensued and the company had to immediately backpedal and claim it was all just an angle ?

Think of the Mid-term Elections as an opportunity for an entire country to do the same .

How are winners and losers decided ?

Remember when you voted for which type of weapon you wanted to see used in the match between Kane and Snitsky at Taboo Tuesday and you voted for “Lead Pipe” but the majority of votes went to “Steel Chain” but it didn’t really matter because Snitksy ended up using a steel chair to win the match , irregardless of what the votes determined ?

It’s like that .

So what does voting actually determine ?

Unlike polls on the WWE app, this election actually kind of matters .

Democrats hope to win a majority of seats (or “segments”) by in the House of Representatives by convincing the American public (or “bookers”) that their "storylines" will be the most “over” with America.

The election will determine the fate of all 435 seats , which is basically like the Pro Wrestling Illustrated Top 500 of American politics , but there aren’t enough “workers” in politics to make a full list of 500 .

Democrats to claim 23 seats from the Republicans to win the house , which is entirely possible , considering Knox County Mayor Kane Jacobs-Bearer has singlehandedly eliminated 44 opponents from the Royal Rumble , which is a decidedly more difficult task .

In the Senate , 35 out of 100 seats are being contested . Think of it like spots on the main roster , with 35 members of NXT waiting for their chance to knock some past-his-prime relic onto the indy scene .

So who is going to win ?

Who knows what the American public will do at the polls ? Much like wrestling fans who still chant “What ?!” they are not known for their intelligence or progressive views .

Who should I vote for ?

The greatest Intercontinental Champion of all time the Honky Tonk Man



Thank you , and god bless America
3 Comments
Frankenstein VS Dracula VS Mr. Darcy
Posted:Nov 27, 2018 5:32 pm
Last Updated:Nov 30, 2018 4:42 pm
828 Views

Let's say you buy a pair of socks . You take on sock and lightly irradiate it . You put the pair of socks into your normal sock rotation . Then , after a year you measure how radioactive your feet are . Do you think it would be roughly the same or would one foot have been more exposed ? Do we subconsciously tend to put one sock in a pair on a particular foot ? How many times in a row do you think you've put a particular sock on the same foot ?

As you all know I've never seen the Wizard of Oz , but it's in the culture enough that I know the story . At the end the "wizard" is revealed to be a shoe salesman from Dayton , Ohio but he still gives the 4 brave companions their wishes .

The Scarecrow wishes to be smart so the "wizard" gives him a Harvard diploma . Let's dissect that a little . First of all that doesn't make you smart , that just sort of gives you the opportunity to make people think you're smart . But really it doesn't even do that because it's not his name on the diploma . Did the Scarecrow even have a name ? I guess the idea is he can tell people that's his name ? But what good is a Harvard diploma in Oz anyway ? The Oozians don't know or care what Harvard is or isn't . Do they even have a education system ?

So what ? Is the Scarecrow supposed to come to our world and try to get a job ? Because I don't see that going well Harvard diploma or not . Also I feel like Harvard would quickly establish that a sentient Scarecrow did not in fact graduate from their university . What would even happen if a Scarecrow man from another dimension came here ? People would freak out obviously but after that is there really any use for a dude made of straw and gunnysacks ? He's resistant to blunt force trauma , there's probably a use for that .

What's his deal anyway ? Is he magic or what ? What's the backstory ? Like if he shows up is everyone like "oh , I guess magic is real" ? What would the religious people say about it ? I assume he never gets old or sick or anything so that would be something . Maybe he'd be a good historian - in the sense that he's technically immortal so at least he was around for a lot of stuff .

The Lion wanted courage so I assume the "wizard" gave him an assault rifle - that seems to put steel in people's spines .

What I don't know is what he gave the tin woodsman who wanted emotions . There's really nothing you can do there right ? I mean no matter how good a salesman you are what are you going to tell someone about having no emotions ?

Yesterday was Leonardo DiCaprio's 44th birthday , sneaky old that guy - I never would have guessed he was older than me . In honor of this event I will now review his biggest movies -

What's Eating Gilbert Grape - Never saw it

The Quick and the Dead - It was an okay Western , it leaned pretty heavily on "the protagonist is a woman ! isn't that crazy ! " but hey it was 1995 what do you want ? Pretty by the books stuff but not bad .

The Basketball Diaries - Never saw it

Romeo and Juliet - Never saw it

Marvin's Room - Never saw it

Titanic - Never saw it

The Man in the Iron mask - Never saw it

The Beach - Never saw it

Catch Me if You Can - Never saw it

Gangs of New York - Never saw it

The Aviator - Never saw it

The Departed - Never saw it

Blood Diamond - Never saw it

Body of Lies - Never saw it

Revolutionary Road - Never saw it

Shutter Island - Never saw it

Inception - This was a pretty good movie that I don't remember him being in . I actually don't remember any of the actors except the kid from 3rd Rock and the Ken Watanabe . Oh , and the chick from Juno - they made a big deal about that and then she was barely in the movie and did jack shit . I downgrade this movie somewhat because people went a little too gaga over it . The whole dream thing isn't that insane . I put it in the same category as the Matrix - it's pretty good but people give it way too much credit for blowing their minds . I think a lot of people are easily blown . I remember the part at the end where the kids never turn to face camera really freaked me out after a while . Not sure why exactly but the fact that you never saw their faces really creeped me .

J Edgar - Never saw it

Great Gatsby - Never saw it

Wolf of Wall Street - never saw it

The Revenant - I've had it on DVR for over a year and I do want to see it , but who has time ? I'm not one of those people that seems weirdly proud about having a shitty attention span but I will admit that sitting down at home to watch a movie doesn't appeal to me so much . Going to a movie , sure , that's a thing , but when I'm at home two hours seems like too much laying around .

40 you watch movies all the time , you admitting to watching Wrath of Khan like twice a month .

Counterpoint - shut up .

I never realized until now now many of Leo's movies I haven't seen - and he's a pretty bankable star . Part of it is probably because one of my friends hates him for some reason but in general he just must not make the kind of movies I like . There are a lot of people that seem to hate Leo but I'm not sure why . People hate Tom Cruise because he's super Scientology-ee but what's the issue with Leo ? I guess he is kind of Hollywood -douchey .

The best thing ever on Carpool Karaoke is the entire Adele episode but the second best thing is the Jennifer Lopez episode where Corden gets a hold of her phone and is texting Leo . The idea of Leo and J-Lo palling around and going clubbing just tickles me . What could they possibly have in common ?

If the media has taught me anything it's that celeb that hang out always bang at some point - and I tell you what that's a sex tape I'd pay to see . Sure , mostly for J-Lo , but the dude has grossed more than 5 billion at the box office - that's got to be worth something . Also I feel like Leo has either a comically small or an impressively large unit for some reason .

It would hands down be the biggest celebrity sex tape ever . I mean since most of them are "celebrity" sex tapes . What's the competition ? Paris Hilton - nobody - and some rando ? C-Listers Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee ? Leo and J-Lo would destroy that noise .

Paris Hilton admitted her sex tape was all a planned hype machine but what was the story with Pammy and Tommy ? How did that come about ? You can't sell a "movie" of someone without their permission right ? Putting it on the internet is one thing , but AVN or someone was selling the actual tape - so that means they had to be on board right ? I mean who owns the right to a sex tape ? Is Tommy Lee still alive or did he die of a staph infection yet ?

Sometimes when I get sad I think that there was a time when Pam Anderson and Kid Rock were married and that time is over and then I feel better .
3 Comments
Dr. Laurence J. Peter
Posted:Nov 24, 2018 12:27 pm
Last Updated:Nov 24, 2018 2:31 pm
1160 Views

I've always wondered why every place I've worked has been horrible and dysfunctional , it turns out that a Canadian dude already wrote a book about this in 1968 .

In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence. In time every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent to carry out its duties . Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their level of incompetence .

This checks out 100% . Which is why companies have to execute massive layoffs ever few years . It's like a forest fire , ever so often you need to clear out the deadwood and start anew .

Sidenote it sounds like this Deadwood movie is finally happening . Not sure how I feel about that .

When people in a sufficiently large hierarchy are promoted because of their competence , the end result will tend to put everyone into a position for which they are not competent .

The cream will rise until it sours .

When Alice is competent in her position , she will be promoted to another position because of her competence . Alice may or may not be competent at that new position . If she is incompetent , then she will become ineligible for promotion and stay put ; she will be kept in that position indefinitely , even if there are other positions in the hierarchy which may suit her skills .

The workers who are competent will keep being promoted for as long as they are competent and there are open slots above ; they will be promoted out of the positions they are competent in but kept in the position they fail at . Since the only way to stay in a position below the top of the hierarchy indefinitely is to be incompetent , the hierarchy will eventually stabilize into an that is mostly incompetent .

This often results when the skills required to do a job well are very different from those required to manage people doing that job , from the military to education to sales . A classic example is a teacher being promoted into a principal - two jobs that require vastly different skill sets , yet the latter is one of the few obvious career paths for the former .

I jokingly suggested this weekend that the NCAA should start having collegiate MMA and several people thought that was a great idea . That's where we're at as a society .

I am generally attracted only to age appropriate ladies as you all remember from my horrified post when I found out how old Kate Upton was - which was stupid in retrospect because she's a model , why did I think she WASN'T in her 20s ? But I tell you this , that chick that plays Alicia on the Fear the Walking Dead is pretty cute .

As you all know I quit watching Walking Dead a few seasons back when it went all "Lost" on me but I did like Morgan so when I heard he was going over to "Fear" I checked it out and liked it . Except the season finale was lame . I liked the idea of them meeting up with the "prime" Walking Dead story and what might happened there and that's what they were setting up . But then in the last three minutes of the finale they were all like "nah , let's just stay here and not do that" . Talk about anti-climatic . Seriously , talk about it right now .

Sometimes I think I shouldn't criticize what I perceive to be bad writing because what have I ever written that was worth anything ? But then I remember this stuff is made for me (and everyone else) to criticize so it would be wrong if I didn't .

You know what's weird ? The Star Wars prequels came out and were horrible but no one stopped liking Star Wars . But now they're coming out with new movies , some of which are great and people are deciding they hate Star Wars . I guess because if you make a pile of shit like Attack of the Clones it's easy for people to just ignore it and still like Star Wars . But if you make a movie that people hate for no reason I can figure out like Last Jedi then people are forced to deal with it .

People are saying there"soooo many Star Wars movies now" because they made 4 movies in 4 years ? That seems fine to me . I'd like a Star Wars movie ever year . But now that's all on hold because everyone hated Solo so much even though it was a fine movie .

It is mildly annoying that they've been announcing Star Wars TV shows for more than a decade now and none of them have happened . Right now Disney claims to have at least 4 Star Wars TV shows in production . Are they all going to be on at the same time ? That does seem like a bit much .

They're going to make a prequel to Rogue One which is already a prequel of sorts .

They're going to do Star Wars Underworld which is during the Empire and is Space Sopranos .

They're going to do The Mandolorian which is after Jedi and is a Space Western I assume like Firely .

And then some kind of thing about Yoda maybe .

In case you were wondering here's the ranking of the Star Wars movies per Rotten Tomatoes -

Empire Strikes Backs
Star Wars/Force Awakens (ironic that they're tied since they're basically the same movie)
The Last Jedi (surprisingly high since it "killed the franchise" )
Rogue One
Return of the Jedi
Revenge of the Sith
Solo
Attack of the Clones
Phantom Menace

That's pretty close to the 40 rankings bu Solo is WAY better than Revenge of the Sith .

Sometimes fanbases are or appear to be , perennially complaining not just about minute details of the canon , but about everything . This sometimes relates to fake fannishness : some people just don't like a piece of fiction , yet insist on consuming it so they can complain .

A possible sign of an Unpleasable Fanbase is a Morton's Fork : if they complain about one thing and the people behind the franchise listen and change it , this leads to other parts of the fanbase complain about the change . This is because , in extremely large fandoms , different portions of the fandom complain about distinctly different things , so that any change (and in particularly bad cases , any lack of change) will inevitably anger someone .

Basically , this is about a fanbase which is so varied and divided in opinion that it's impossible to give everyone in it what they want .

While this has been a problem for any media with a sufficiently large fanbase (you simply cannot please all of the people all of the time) in the Internet Era it takes on a new dimension when even a small minority can make their opinions heard . It's enough to make an author want to give up .
3 Comments
Settling the great nerd debate
Posted:Nov 23, 2018 8:21 am
Last Updated:Nov 27, 2018 4:54 pm
1265 Views

Some people out there love the Back to the Future franchise , so much so that some claim that it is the best movie trilogy ever . Which is obviously insane . The first back to the future was okay , the sequels were weak-ass . But nevertheless I am here today to settle the number one controversy about the film . In BTF2 Doc explains how a different timeline has been created by Biff and his sports Almanac - but then the whole different timeline thing is immediately ignored and they go "back" to the way things were . But really they didn't . And that's the point .

We are living in the original timeline , they are not . Want proof ? Jaws 19 was supposed to be released on October 15th 2015 and it wasn't - not in this timeline anyway .

Solved . The end .

I travel to other timelines sometimes just to watch movies . Here's the rest of the franchise if you're curious .

Jaw$ (1988 ): Matt Hooper tries to stop shark hunting in Southeast Asia but finds himself at the mercy of relentless South Korean businessmen . Directed by Oliver Stone .

Jaws 6 (1989): Bruce is hired to protect a party boat . Notable for the 30 minute sex scene which was edited just enough to give the film an R rating .

Jaws 7 (1990): Sharks have hacked into the Internet with the help of Somalian pirates and Nigerian princes . The sharks are betrayed and with the help of a scientist , the sharks launch a massive counter-attack with the aid of cybernetic organisms .

Jaws 8 (1993): Terror comes to Tel Aviv as a field test of Japanese robotic sharks goes haywire . Notable for setting up the climactic showdown of Godzilla vs. Jaws , featuring Mechagodzilla .

Jaws 9 (1995): Chief Brody's grandson assembles a team of superhuman shark hunters to take down an old enemy . Directed by John Woo .

Jaws 10 (1996): Bruce the shark combats another hidden sea creature within the depths of the waters with the authorities trying to eliminate both creatures' existence . Hailed as critics to be one of the better sequels of the franchise along with Jaws 2 . Directed by James Cameron .

Jaws 11 (1997): A joint NASA-ESA mission to Europa takes a turn for the worse when a sentient race of sharks is discovered underneath the ice moon . Directed by Paul Verhoeven who went on to direct a faithful adaptation of Starship Troopers .

Jaws 12 (1998 ): The prequel, showing the early days of Quint and the fateful voyage of the USS Indianapolis . Intended to be Michael Bay's big debut as a director but the critical flop caused him to sink away to being a music video director .

Jaws 12, Part 2 (1998 ): A tiger shark is terrorizing the coast of Havana , with Quint being the only one who can stop it . Notable for being Roger Corman's final film before he quit Hollywood .

Jaws 14 (2000): Bruce the shark gives up his man-hunting ways when he meets a female hammerhead shark . Directed by little-known LA playwright Tommy Wiseau .

Jaws 15 (2001): A Russian shark named Ivan Sharkovsky is brought to New York for a showdown with Bruce . Oscar-winning script from Bryan Singer . Critics hail this sequel as the "second best Jaws movie out there".

Jaws 16 (2003): Bruce the shark terrorizes the sewers of New York City in an attempt to stalk and hunt down Jon Brody . The film is notable for taking references from the 1989 horror flick "Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan". The underperformance of the film ended up killing the career of Matthew Broderick (like he killed those people in Ireland) and put the franchise on ice for eight years .

Jaws 17: Fifty Scales of Grey (2011): Bruce begins an intimate relationship with a naive college student . Portions of the film were adapted from the erotic novel , "Fifty Shades of Grey" which would adapted in 2015 by the same studio , Universal Pictures .

Jaws Origins (2014): The Reboot, winning back audiences with stunning realism and Oscar-winning performances from Chris Pratt as Brody , Jennifer Lawrence as Hooper , and Michael Keaton as Quint . Directed by The Coen Brothers and Robert Rodriguez , though there is a lot of controversy over who should get directing credit .

Jaws 19: The oceans are disappearing due to Koch-Trump International's greed . The sharks join forces with their human allies to take back their home , culminating in an epic battle involving submarines .

Numerous spin-offs were released as well including Godzilla vs. Jaws , a crossover episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation and the Jaws Christmas Special .

Fads come and go by definition , remember fidget spinners ? Of course not , that's the point . But there's a fad from my childhood that's worth revisiting - Big Johnson t-shirts . When I was in junior high these things were everywhere . And we have to ask ourselves - why were parents buying these things for their children ? Maybe some of them "didn't get it" but it wasn't a subtle subversive commentary , it was pretty clear what the deal was . And yet somehow everyone decided that these shirts were totally fine for kids . I know in my school it got to the point where they were banned for a while but the parents went crazy and there were threats of a lawsuit and the ban was lifted . What the heck was going on ?

In case you have forgotten here's some of the classic "Big Johnson" apparel from back in the day -

Big Johnson ATVs - She'll love it on all fours
Big Johnson Bar and Casino - Liquor up front , Poker in the rear
Big Johnson Fire Department - Break out your hose and pumper
Big Johnson Tequila - Lick , suck and swallow , never mind the salty taste

One fun thing I like to do is image for a lady out there what guys she might encounter that are worse then me . And I think a good one is a dude that not only still has Big Johnson t-shirts but collects and displays them - and is VERY obsessed about the rare ones that he doesn't have yet .

"Sorry babe , I can't go to your cousin's wedding this weekend , I'm driving to Carbondale to meet this dude who's going to sell me a first printing Big Johnson Landscaping for 500 bucks ."
4 Comments
The problem with making love to gremlins
Posted:Nov 21, 2018 7:05 pm
Last Updated:Nov 23, 2018 7:46 am
1741 Views
The other day someone asked me what my favorite Christmas movie is and I said Scrooged because it is my favorite Christmas movie but coming in a close second is Gremlins (Die Hard is third) . That movie was pretty hardcore when you were a kid , in fact along with Temple of Doom it's one of the reasons they invented the PG-13 rating . But when you get a little older naturally your attitude towards the gremlins changes a little . At a certain point you want to get busy with a gremlin . And why wouldn't you ? They've got confidence , style , class , they're not afraid to rough up Zach Galligan , and they love to party - what's not to like ?

But there's a real problem with making sweet , sweet gremlin love that I realized today . You and your gremlin lady and laying on a polar bearskin run in front of a roaring fire , you got Peter Gabriel playing on your sweet , sweet sound system and things are going great . And then WHAM !!! Suddenly more gremlins start literally popping out of that sweet , sweet gremlin vag .

You can't get gremlins wet . You know what happens when they get wet .

"So" you scoff " a straight lady or a gay man , there's going to be no gremlin vag in my fantasy - I just want that gremlin dick yo ."

Okay bigshot imagine you're going down on a handsome strapping gremlin - your saliva on his junk ? WHAM !!! Gremlins popping off in your mouth !!! So fine you're a selfish lover and you don't bother going down on your gremlin fuckbuddy - what do you think happens when he inserts himself in you ? Unless you're into dry boning things aren't going to work out .

It's sad .

Related topic , say you hate gremlins and to make sure there won't be anymore of them you want to kill Gizmo . If you take at him with an ax is that going to create more mogwis ? You know because of the blood ? Does that count as getting them "wet" ? To be on the safe side you should probably strangle . Although there's no reason to believe he's the only mogwi out there .

In the movie did any of the gremlins get "wet" with blood ? I know the mom ground one up in the blender and another got microwaved but was there blood ? I haven't seen that movie in decades . I should rewatch it and settle his blood debate .

You know what would be a good cross over - Gremlins and Aliens .

I'd like to start a comic about a gentleman porcupine from another world where animals are anthropomorphized . Please draw me a porcupine-man in a fancy suit . Here's a shockingly nude porcupine man to help you get started .



When I was a kid my least favorite thing about the holidays (not a fan in general) was when my grandma would make us all stand up and say what were were thankful for . Being an ungrateful jerk who also doesn't like humoring people this was tough for me .

But here's something to think about tomorrow .

People have always been mildly obsessed withe end of the world apocalyptic visions . But the reality is that there's probably not a cataclysm that would end us as a species . Throughout human history there's a plague , a famine , a war that causes plague and famine - all kinds of bad shit . And what occurs afterwards is interesting .

Consider the Toba event . Sometime within the last 100,000 a volcanic eruption killed most humans . The worldwide population dwindled to about the number of Charger fans . And now , not that long afterwards in historical terms , there's billions upon billions of humans and we're about to land a spacecraft on Mars .

This is the legacy of humanity and we don't take enough time to appreciate it . Apocalyptic media presents a world where the instant the wifi goes out people revert to a man-against-man Purge-style orgy of violence and destruction where people tear each other to pieces even as they die of an alien virus or run from zombies .

But in our real history this has happened . Many times . Left without government or laws or trade or anything that we "" to survive what happens is not people tearing each other apart but cooperation . When everything crumbles we rebuild it .

I mentioned to my buddy Lickem Aid the other day that a good horror movie would be a world overrun by zombies who have to deal with an outbreak of the living . Imagine these poor bastards having to deal with us - faster , smarter , capable of organization and strategy , able to build tools that would appear as nothing short of magic to their rotting brains . Imagine the horror the zombies would experience upon being confronted with firearms - the living just point at you and you die ! Not to mention nuclear weapons .

It doesn't matter if you believe in vampires or werewolves or the booger man or what have you - because even if they were real they wouldn't stand a chance . We as people have always been much greater than our parts .

A person , standing at line in a convenience store at 2 AM reeking of cheap beer and ditchweed , or a sweatpants wearing mega bitch wailing on someone at a Black Friday sale may not appear to be anything special . But our combined efforts have left everything else in the dust . Confused and violent primates we may be but we have split the atom and peer across the universe . In the blink of an eye we have acquired the power of gods .

Many centuries from now a couple will be strolling down the streets of Alpha Centauri colony in their shiny future clothes and they'll see some YOUNG PERSON wearing the wrong kind of shiny future clothes and puking in an ally outside of a robo-bar and they're shake their heads and cluck their tongues and say in a pidgin of English-Chinese-Russian that the human race is going down the tubes and that we're a ridiculous doomed species that will never be able to accomplish anything .

And they'll believe it just as people believe it now because the wonderful , terrible , fearsome truth of our power is almost too much to comprehend .

Long may it be so

Happy Thanksgiving !
4 Comments
Bare bottom spanking in sports
Posted:Nov 18, 2018 7:54 am
Last Updated:Nov 19, 2018 5:45 pm
1941 Views

The other day I was talking to 2009 WNBA All-Star Nicole Powell and I asked her if in her long history playing ball if she had ever been involved in and kind of weird initiation or hazing on a team . She said that she had not .

Now , one of the main reasons I quit the swim team was because of all the freaky stuff they wanted me to do to be "part of the team" .

So I wonder if this is a gender thing . It seems like it kind of makes sense for male sports teams to be more into wailing on each other and doing weird shit than for female sports teams .

But let's find out .
I am a man who played sports and weird stuff happened
I am a woman who played sports and weird stuff happened
I am a man who played sports and nothing like that happened
I am a woman who played sports and nothing like that happened
5 Comments , 15 votes
The Computer is your friend
Posted:Nov 18, 2018 7:47 am
Last Updated:Nov 19, 2018 5:46 pm
1850 Views
The Computer wants you to be happy . Happiness is mandatory . Failure to be happy is treason . Treason is punishable by summary execution .

It's time to face facts folks - the War on Christmas is a failure . We're spending $41.3 billion dollars annually , $25.7 billion in state funds and over $15.6 billion in federal funds , on the War on Christmas and what have we accomplished ? Just the other day I saw a house all lit up with Christmas lights . It's not even Thanksgiving !



The problem is as simple as capitalism itself if people want Christmas and are willing to pay for it , and they do , someone is going to find a way to give it them . You can lock up a million mall Santas a year and there's just going to be more scumbags out there willing to put on a fake beard and a red suit and be out on those corners hustling Christmas for cold hard cash .

The truth is that people want Christmas now more than ever - and as long as the demand is there someone's going to come up with he supply . But what can we do about it ? Why do people want Christmas so badly ?

Stress seems to play a major role from what I can tell - people just want to escape from their dead-end lives and their shitty jobs and the spouse/partner they hate and their screaming kids and the whole nine yards - and Christmas offers that . And this is in a country where we have everything .

So what can we do about that ? I don't know . What I do know is that the War on Christmas has become a nightmare of our own creation and there doesn't seem to be a way to get rid of it . Too many people are making too much money and gaining too much political capital from it's existence for it to be something that just be swept away .

There is good news though , the War on Sex , which honestly I thought was a total boondoggle from the get-go , is starting to bear fruit . We've been hearing for a while that millennials and their ilk are too lazy and pathetic to even bother smashing and now the Atlantic has confirmed it - only old people are banging these days .

We did it !



And the victory is all the sweeter for all those that said it could not be done . Who would have ever thought that we could get people to stop having sex ? Turns out the answer was right there in front of us all the time - we just needed to normalize sex to the point where young people would rebel against it . I mean when there's Cialis and eXtenZ commercials on the TV every 2 minutes there's no way for them to pretend that their parents aren't engaging in hardcore fucking every Wednesday and Saturday night so of course they're going to reject the whole idea .

It wasn't easy slapping down anything that made sex safer , healthier , more comfortable or more enjoyable but we stayed the course and we were committed and determined and we finally did it .

Take that you hippies ! Not only is free love dead but the whole nasty business is going the way of the dinosaurs . Nice try assholes !

In a strange way I feel like Kate Winslet's boobs had a lot to do with this . Her boobs were in Titanic you know and that movie was mostly seen by young girls and I think we can draw a direct line from that to the proliferation of Girls Gone Wild later - I mean if Kate Winslet is showing her tits for nothing why wouldn't they show them for a trucker hat ? And then the Girls Gone Wild added significantly to the culture of sexual normalcy in our culture that ultimate caused the next generation to reject it .

I tip my my hat to you and your boobs Kate Winslet .

So the War on Christmas is a failure and the War on Sex is a success - what should we start a war on next ?
4 Comments

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